Carrots and other things.

Wednesday night. I lay in bed. Plate of carrots and ranch beside me. There is one carrot on the plate I refuse to eat because it has brown stuff on it. This carrot looks deceivingly gross, though I know it will probably taste much better than the flawless one beside it, which will probably be that one carrot that tastes like chemicals. Kind of a metaphor to life wouldn't you say?

The Simpsons is on because I like noise coming from the television at all times. I don't like The Simpsons, I never have. But it's either that or one of those new C.S.I. wannabe shows. Or a show called "Brothers and Sisters" which I pathetically tuned into a few nights ago about old people, and how they have sex. Also starring that really skinny bitch from Ally McBeal. (Score!)

And I was right. I just took a bite of the seemingly perfect carrot and it DID taste like chemicals. I am not making this up.

Wow. That plate of carrots and ranch sure did not suffice my unrelenting desire to get fucked up.

Sometimes I am so lazy that I will actually try to survive in extremely uncomfortable situations due to the sole fact that I don't want to get up. Take for instance, the heat. It's far too hot in here. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna open the window. Because the window is behind me, and the heat knob would require me to stand.

I often wonder what kind of person you would have to be to prefer cats over dogs. My perception is that people ONLY have cats because they, for one reason or another, can't get a dog. But to prefer a cat? I don't trust those people. Two out of every thirty cats is actually semi-decent, and one out of those two cats will end up being a fatass. That means you have like an 80% chance of getting a cat that isn't COMPLETELY fucked. People who prefer cats also don't know how to love, studies show. What studies? Just some studies. Whatever.

People who prefer cats also believe that the chicks in the "Loveline" and "Quest" commercials actually look like that, and aren't, in reality, twenty year divorced, middle-aged broads with deep, sultry voices and compulsive eating habits.

Jingle ballz.

I am not going to write any New Years resolutions this year because they're dumb. If there is one thing I have learned about myself up to this point it's that I will never exercise.

I think I have done all the changing anyone possibly could within the last couple months and that's good enough for me. Rather than tell a bunch of people I'm going to do a bunch of shit I'll forget about in a week, I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing. Because it seems to be working out.

If I could have anything for Christmas, repercussions not an option, I would choose a lifetime supply of Vicodin. There are times once in awhile when I wish someone would step on my foot really hard and break a bone or accidentally do something temporarily painful but not life-altering to me so I could get a prescription to Vicodin. I realize this is somewhat fucked and Vicodin's not that cool anyway, right? I know.

I have already forgotten about that thought though, and instead I'm going to talk about some other things that don't matter. Like milk, and how good it is.

There's a reason Santa drinks milk with his cookies. He has good taste. Although I do think Santa uses milk as a cover-up for his severe alcoholism. Why else would he be so fat with such a red, bulbous nose?

I like to think that people prefer hand-made gifts over store-bought gifts and this is how I justify buying myself shit during the Holidays.

It'd be cool if I walked into my room on Christmas day and there was a naked man standing under my doorway. Mistletoe or not, it'd be a nice surprise. Instead, I'm probably going to be experiencing Zoe in an ugly sweater laying on my floor eating yogurt and talking about how she really needs to get laid.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

THANKSGIVING!

In honor of it being Thanksgiving tomorrow, I have compiled a list of all the things I am thankful for this year.

- Living in a newly built home that has an instant fireplace and instant heat. Waiting for the heat to come on is always dreadful.

- Living with badass roommates who always decide to do all the cleaning while I'm at work. Thanks guys!

- Zoe's easily transformable (clay) face and the fact that she will let me take pictures of her looking like complete shit and put them on Facebook.

- My mom for being hot. Also for buying me groceries, always having food at her house, going to church with me, always having good advice, being the BEST cook in town, being a great listener, and just being the best mom ever.

- My sisters: Donna for always being on Facebook when I am and Facebook chatting me through the most boring of days. Mary for always saying things like "Henna look at those little tiny wrists!" or "Woahh Hennsters you my sister!" Gracie for being the sister that will listen to my songs on her ipod. Nola for just being Nola... never a complaint coming from this ginger. Also her wardrobe. Zoe for being my husband.

- Darci for her boobs (duh), but also for being my right-hand woman and partner in crime.

- Lacey, not for being across the country but for the fact that I know when she comes back she will still be my best friend.

- Boys.

- Elliott Smith on rainy nights.

- Black clothing. You never let me down.

- The Westwood Village Target. I have so much love for you. You smell like new shoes and popcorn and material possessions. Never leave my side.

- Living in a great city. Working at a spot where I can look out the window and see the water and the city lights and sunrises and sunsets.

- Awesome tattoo artists.

- Guitars. Always there for me in good times and bad.

- Diet Coke.

- Not being born with any weird genetic problems or diseases.

- Met Market and everything in it.

- Having a plethora of people in my life that give a shit about me and that I give a shit about.

- Make-up. Not sure what I'd do without it.

- Bleach and tones.

- The fact that at one time good music was still made and at least I have that to hold on to.

- The feeling of being in love with someone.

- Reefer.

- A secure job, a lot of people don't have one.

- Being able to text. It really alleviates all awkwardness.

- Facebook. I am very thankful for Facebook. It cures my boredom and it has helped me meet literally every single boyfriend. Thanks Facebook!

- My bosses Hiep and Loreen for keeping me around for 5 years.

- New friends.

- New socks.

- Christmas decorations. I'm going all out this year. Soccer mom status.

- The puppies living inside my dog Coco. They are going to be bundles of joy.

- All my metal mansion friends. You are all just good, solid friends through thick and thin. You have glorified high-fives, long hair and bands like Pantera. I knew nothing of this before I met you guys.

- Road trips to SF where only Zoe can drive.

- Bubbles sammys.

- Bandannas.

- Head.

- Coziness. Clean house, candles burning, fireplace, movies, cookies, good company, heat, happiness.

- Not ever having gotten preggers like everyone else.

- My pops.

- Big family dinners where everyone is laughing.

- Snoqualmie falls.

- Dan Auerbach- thanks for being born.

- Federal Way: never thought I'd say this but we had some good times this year.

- Straighteners. All of us would look like we got electrocuted without them.

- Snuggling.

Bugs.

Ants: Ants are probably the most pointless bug. WHY do we have ants? I often wonder this. What, so anteaters can eat them? When was the last time you heard of an anteater being necessary for any reason? A piece of chicken dropped on the ground this morning, five minutes later I go to pick it up and throw it away and a big ass colony of ants had found their fucking breakfast. So now there's a crawling piece of chicken on the ground. Are you kidding me? Ants are like the polygamist families of people. You know there's one dude ant that gets all the girl ants prego and they just have tons and tons of kids. Then when they find a piece of chicken they all have to tell the rest of the fucking community about it so they can all come together and feast.

Bees: Bees make honey. In my opinion, I'd sacrifice honey for the extinction of bees.

Flies: I compare flies to the stupid people of this world. Their big fat bodies fly around the room in circles for hours at a time, bumping and crashing into windows and never finding their way out. Even if you leave a window or door open the fly will not be able to figure its way out of the room. Flies do nothing for this world but bother people. They don't even contribute anything except being food for spiders. Which leads me to my next point....

Spiders: Spiders eat flies. I get it. "Don't kill the spider because it eats all the bad bugs!" Well how about if there WEREN'T any bad bugs to begin with we wouldn't fucking need spiders now would we? Spiders are the worst. Hands down the worst. Some of them are small and dumb and when you get close enough they just kind of freeze and you can smash the shit out of them with a shoe. Those ones I can deal with. It's the giant smart ones that I really hate. You know they've got these massive brains and they're all just trying to fuck with us. You know they're thinking, "this bitch killed my cousin last week... ima climb in her bed tonight and when she wakes up ima be sittin on her chest. Then when she freaks out and tries to kill me, ima crawl away as fast as I can and hide in a crevice in the wall. Or ima crawl somewhere really high up that she can't reach and just stare at her for the rest of the day. I will not move from this spot for days at a time, just so I can mock her. If she ever gets smart and tries to spray me down with Windex ima just sit here and not die. Cuz I'm fucking invincible and I'm so big and fat that even the toxic shit that could kill a human won't kill me."

Moths: Moths are fucking disgusting. Any bug that makes a large crash when it hits something is not a bug I'm a fan of. Moths, like flies, are fucking stupid. They just fly around looking for light sources. I'd compare them to like, a really horny dude at a party trying to get laid. Just searching and searching and searching the room for somewhere to land.

Cockroaches: Even though they got a deceivingly cool name, they are not cool. They infest themselves in dirty fucking places and populate like wildfire. They're like a big group of ICP raver kids. They all hang out together and pretend to be homeless. Then they hang out in the grossest possible places and squirm around with each other.

How to live life and not be an asshole at the same time.

DO: Be straight-edge.
DON'T: Shove it in everyone's faces. For example, "Hey man, want a beer?" "What the fuck man, I'm straight-edge I don't do things like that."

DO: Be vegan.
DON'T: Continuously tell meat eaters about the slow and painful death of pigs in factories.

DO: Be knowledgeable about music.
DON'T: Be that high-and-mighty music kid. This includes questioning others on the names of albums, appearing shocked when one has not heard of "this band" or "that band", trying to convince people that Pink Floyd is the best band that ever lived and getting furious when someone disagrees, making others feel ashamed because they don't know about the fucking indie bands you listen to.

DO: Rock your own style.
DON'T: Turn yourself into a walking grandma/grandpa.

DO: Be in a band and be proud of it.
DON'T: Make yourself look like a douche by never shutting up about it.

DO: Be a non-smoker.
DON'T: Warn smokers about the health risks of smoking. THEY KNOW.

DO: Stand firm in your beliefs.
DON'T: Push them on everyone.

DO: Cocaine once at a party.
DON'T: Buy eight balls from Jermaine who's a friend of a friend of a friend and then do them alone at 2 o'clock in the morning with Jermaine because he's the only human around that will hang out with you.

DO: Have a couple cocktails.
DON'T: Have a couple cocktails, eight shots of Jager, twelve beers, and three Four Lokos on a Tuesday afternoon at brunch.

DO: Get tattoos.
DON'T: Get tattoos IF: you are going to be worried that it's going to hurt, everyone else is doing it, you just turned 18, you're 17 but this guy you know will do them out of his house, you are going to bring in your own shitty drawing and be a picky mother fucker, you are worried more about how much it's going to cost than how good of a tattoo you're going to get, you don't know what you want, you don't have any tattoos but want your knuckles done so you can look badass, the shop you're at will actually tattoo your knuckles when you don't have any other tattoos, you want your boyfriend/girlfriend's name.

DO: Crazy things in bed.
DON'T: Brag about it.

DO: Smoke weed.
DON'T: Smoke yourself stupid.

DO: Ecstasy every once in a blue moon.
DON'T: Do ecstasy weekly or buy pills from sketchy dudes.

DO: Be conscious of your weight and looking good.
DON'T: Tell others exactly what you ate today and ask them if "that's bad".

DO: Be a trust fund kid.
DON'T: Act like a trust fund kid.

DO: Drink pop.
DON'T: Call it soda.

DO: Have a Facebook.
DON'T: Use it to let everyone know how miserable you are. Examples, "Another night alone, I'm so sick of not having someone to sleep next to me *tear*".

DO: Get fake tits.
DON'T: Do it because someone told you you should.

DO: Go tanning.
DON'T: Be orange.

DO: Be generous with gifts and money when you feel like you want to.
DON'T: Keep score.

DO: Follow politics and vote.
DON'T: Get mad at me if I choose not to.

DO: Work hard.
DON'T: Continuously whine about how tired you are all the time.

DO: Have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
DON'T: Talk about them 24/7 or relate every given topic back to them.

DO: Get a credit card to build credit.
DON'T: Get a credit card to "build credit" then use it to support your shopping habit or get talked into leasing a car that you will be paying off for the rest of your life.

DO: Take compliments when they are given.
DON'T: Fish for compliments.

DO: Dance.
DON'T: Freak dance.

DO: Thumbs down.
DON'T: Flip the bird.

DO: Be green.
DON'T: Scold everyone around you for not recycling.

DO: Treat yourself.
DON'T: Forget to tip.

DO: Buy everyone a round.
DON'T: Buy everyone around when you're blackout drunk.

DO: Sometimes forget to make your bed.
DON'T: Live in an episode of Hoarders.

DO: Laugh with people.
DON'T: Laugh at people.

DO: Flirt.
DON'T: Flirt with someone's significant other.

DO: Go to college.
DON'T: Piss away your parent's money.

DO: Take days off.
DON'T: Collect unemployment when you're perfectly capable of getting another job.

DO: Get paid for modeling.
DON'T: Pay people to take pictures of you and then call yourself a model.

Rules of the game that all men should follow.

Dear men,

I am writing this to you, yes you. If you want the woman of your dreams, well... I can't guarantee that. It's not really up to me. But I can tell you what is important to most girls when it comes down to it, and that's gotta mean something.

1. Find the balance between never going after what you want, and being a total fucking creep. They're both equally horrible. If you see a woman you want, don't be a pussy. Even if you think she's out of your league, there is nothing a woman loves more than a confident man.. or just a man who has balls. Approach her respectably. Most women will not turn you down if they think you are at least normal. Do not "come on" to a woman. Noooooooobody likes that. We're not your prey.

2. Know social cues. Do not touch a woman unless that caress is obviously wanted by both parties. A small brush of a hand against a woman's back can be the sexiest thing ever if done right. Ass-grabbing or getting so close I can smell your dirty alcoholic mouth is disgusting.

3. Persistence can be a really bad thing. If you've tried a couple times, it's not gonna happen. It's not because she's afraid of falling in love with you or is blinded by your hotness. She's not into it.

4. This is strictly my opinion here, but I think this is just wonderful. If you take a lady out, no matter how drunk she gets or how bad she wants it, do not kiss her. Do not fuck her. Make her wait. It'll throw her off, in a good way. I swear to you. Then when you finally do, it will be mind-blowing.

5. Make sure to clean underneath your fingernails. Girls look at that stuff.

6. Don't get really drunk on the first date. How about don't get drunk at all. Take the girl somewhere out of the ordinary.

7. First date: always pay. Just always pay. I will not budge on this one. It's manners every man should follow in my opinion. Yeah, sure, later on if you start dating it can become more equal but on the first date, PAY. There's nothing a girl loves more than thinking of a big strong man paying for her shit.

8. Don't play too hard to get. Games are just kinda dumb. If it's obvious you were both diggin it, I can guarantee she wants you to text her after the date and be like, "look... maybe I'm not 'supposed' to say this but when can I see you again?" If you wait a couple of days, she's just gonna get all anxious and think you don't like her. Just feel out the vibes.

9. As much as it's nice to hear you're "hot", tell a girl something you like about her personality. And be genuine about it. Don't be lame. Figure out that talent she has that she's proud of and compliment her on it.

10. Don't eat gross.

The obvious.

My name is Geneva. I have blonde hair. I am sitting on a four-legged object called a chair. Did you know if you drink enough alcohol it makes you drunk? Sometimes it's light out, then sometimes it's dark out. If you have sex with a stranger and don't use a condom you might get a disease. The leaves change color in the fall time. Music is heard with your ears. Brushing your teeth makes your teeth not rot. When it's cold it's smart to put on a sweatshirt. If you eat McDonalds every day that means you like McDonalds a lot. Bicycles have two wheels. Cars have four. Grass is green. Unless it's really dry out then it turns this brownish color. Boys have penises. Some people take things too seriously.