You text everyone in your phone-book. Find some plans. Get all dressed. Lookin' hot. Smoke a couple ciggs. Feel butterflies. Feel anticipation. Think "this is the night I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams".
Your only friend picks you up. You get to the bar. Scope out the place. Look for the hot guys. See a bunch of ugly guys. See a couple decent guys with girlfriends. But there's still time. Spend eight bucks on a Jack and Diet. Sit quietly while you sip on your drink because you're not drunk and feel like you have nothing to say. Finish your drink. Feel nothing.
You wait at the bar for the bartender to see you back there. Spend another eight bucks. This time on a shot. Maybe it will actually do something. Cheers your friend. Take the shot. It tastes horrendous but the warmth feels very nice in the pit of your stomach. Still though, not drunk. But you do have twenty dollars less than you had before. Keep scoping the place for hotties. Feel awkward and bored. Nudge your friend to go outside and have a cigg with you. Talk about some nonsense like how much your day sucked at work. Go back in. This time you order another shot, and a beer. Take the shot. Chug the beer. You are starting to feel a little buzzed.
You start talking. Talking about how excited you are about (place irrelevant goal that's never gonna happen here). Talk about it for a long time. Talk and talk, and when your friend talks you're not really listening. Order another Jack and Diet. This time a double. Chug the shit out of it. You are drunk now, thank God. All of a sudden you "totally know this song!" and "omg this is my favorite song ever!" Do some retarded dances. Start hugging your friend a lot. Talk about how there's no hot guys here. Leave.
Walk your drunk ass to the next bar. Get hit on by some bums on the way. Laugh about it. Laugh really hard about it for no reason. Get to the next bar. Scope the place. See some dude. Tell your friend you think he's hot. She looks at you like you're crazy. But you have to find something to settle for in your drunken state of mind. Order a snake bite. You have completely run out of money. These next drinks are going on your friend's tab. More money that you owe someone. Yaye!
Order another Jack and Diet. Go outside and smoke another cigg. Talk to some guys that are ugly but whatever. You have lost your friend because you have somehow wandered off alone. No longer feeling awkward, you feel like you own the place. So it's okay. An ugly guy buys you a shot. You take it. Smoke another cigg. Your vocabulary has become completely filled with "fucks" and "cunts" and "motherfuckingcunts".
You look down and see a nipple. Woops. You start feeling very, very tired. You run around looking for your friend. Find her. She is mad because she just had a very bad texting war with her ex-boyfriend. She is telling you all about it. This reminds you how lonely and empty you feel to be going home alone tonight. You think about texting a couple back-up plans but realize you are actually really, really tired. And hungry. Very, very hungry. So hungry, in fact, that you will do ANYTHING to get some Jack in the Box. NOW.
Your drunk-ass friend gets behind the wheel to drive you home. You both stop at Jack in the Box and you start stuffing your face. In the back of your mind you feel very depressed knowing you just consumed a whole day's worth of calories in two minutes. You go home.
You're so drunk that you can't even consider taking the effort to brush your teeth or take your makeup off. You strip off your clothes but again, have no effort to find some pajamas so you just decide to sleep naked.
Uh oh. For some reason you are now crying, uncontrollably. And you don't know why. The tears won't stop. You look in the mirror and see a monster. How is this possible when you looked so cute when you left the house? You feel really, really fat. You throw up. Partly because you feel sick, partly because you have never felt so fat and disgusting in your life. You climb in bed. Drunk, lonely, and worse off than before.
You're so glad that, instead of staying home with your sanity, you went out so that you didn't "miss out" on anything. You can't wait to sleep for two hours and then wake up at 5 a.m. for work. You are never doing this again.
