I wanna be a statistic!

I often think about the things I would do if I were ever to get rich. The first thought that comes to mind, (of course), is buying a house with a million acres and little mini dog igloos for the thousands of dogs I am going to rescue and have living in my backyard. Besides the obvious, though, there are many, many conveniences that rich people know as "the norm" but you and I see as luxury. I want them all. All of them. Here are just some of those things.

A lingerie drawer. I desperately want a lingerie drawer. Right now I have a plastic basket where I throw my shit. Mismatched socks, raggedy thongs, bras with broken snaps that don't fit me. And it's all thrown in there. Mixed together and waiting anxiously to piss me off the next time I'm in a hurry looking for a fucking sock that doesn't rise ABOVE my ankles. Which, by the way, have no purpose being in the basket. In fact, I don't know how they got there.. because I did not buy them. I want a lingerie drawer. I want to open up the large drawer and see color coordinated lace.

Matching dishes and silverware. What is kiiiind of getting on my nerves lately is the fact that I have maybe six bowls. Two of the bowls are plastic baby bowls with ducks on them. One of them is a very small glass bowl that I can imagine is used to hold blueberries or water for a small dog. Then the polar opposite, the extremely large glass bowl. Too big for cereal, too small for anything else. There are two clear, plastic bowls that are cracked and somehow always greasy. Like, no matter hard you scrub these fuckers, there is just a layer of oil on them for no reason. Oh! And I forgot about the plate-bowls. They look like plates, but if you get reaaaally close, you can see that they are, in all actuality, bowls. They don't get any use because they have the depth of that drunk guy you tried to have a relationship with but couldn't because he never had anything to say. I want at least ten bowls, and I want them to be actual bowls. I want these bowls to match the plates and the silverware and the fucking measuring cups.

Things that are hung up right. Rich people's stuff is always hung up so right. You just know that all the correct hardware was used on that perfect beige wall with no oil heat stains. 90% of the stuff on my walls were hung up with thumb tacks. The other 10% were hung up with some kind of screw, pounded into the wall by a cement Buddha sculpture.

Display towels. You know how rich people always have those towels in their bathroom that are not to be touched? The ones that are rolled into the shape of a swan or some shit? I want those.

A fat kid pantry. First of all, I want a pantry in general. But second of all, I want this pantry to have EVERYTHING in it. Like Fruit Roll-ups. Oreos. Teddy Grahams. Cases of Diet Coke just waiting to be chilled. Cheet-os. Random boxes of like Rice-a-roni and shit. I won't really eat any of this but it just makes for a comfortable environment.

Fall/Winter- Good Feelings.

The sound the heat makes when it turns on. When it gets dark at like six and everyone's lives slow down and you feel excitement in your bones because you have found a new TV show to invest in for the months to come. Coffee shops advertisements over pumpkin spice lattes. The thought of drinking one and how it makes you feel like everything is right in the world. Buying those 99 cent pairs of gloves and the feeling of amazing warmness when you're freezing to death but you have gloves on and your hands are in your pockets at the same time. Sitting inside a heated car in the middle of a snowstorm. Halloween decorations going up in like August. Buying Halloween candy and pretending you're going to put it in cute glass bowls around your house for when "company" comes over, but you know you're just going to eat the shit out of it at 3 o'clock in the morning when the calories don't count. Buying the newest variation of peacoat from Nordstrom. Putting up Christmas decorations and getting concerned because it is making you way too happy and you think that maybe this is going to lead to some kind of hoarding issue in the future. The fat rolls you've acquired that nobody can see. Going Downtown during Christmas time and seeing movies with your boyfriend or really anyone that will have you. Seattle going back to normal- people are grumpy, it's rainy and cold, the beach is empty, and you are totally 100% overjoyed about it.